My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
