That's when you crack a 10am beer
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
