I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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