i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
