I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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