dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
handjob tips. give me some.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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