I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
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