I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
