don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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