If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
