look no pants
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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