I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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