Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
