would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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