I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
