I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
