can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
