wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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