your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
