I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
