My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
