You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
