I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
If that was your dad, he is hot
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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