I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
