Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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