and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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