tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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