6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I hate all girls vehemently.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
