In the future we'll all be gay
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
