She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize