I think i peed on brittanys purse
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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