just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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