Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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