I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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