i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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