I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
