I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
my poor anus
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
