All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
