Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Pants are for mortals
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
