Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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