i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
