dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
