I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
