and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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