every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
