Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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