Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
