Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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