Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Text me some of your sweat
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
