he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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