Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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