I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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