You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
