I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
