I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
