Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
