even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize