you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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