How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
