god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
