a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
